…horrendous I-barely-made-it-through day today. Not uncoincidentally, I returned to work after my vacation today. Though I sat at my desk, only speaking when absolutely necessary (probably 30 words all day), I would have been much better off in my own bed…or possibly a hospital bed. I’ve been seriously considering whether or not I should seek hospitalization. Not that I’m thinking of hurting myself, just that I’m getting into “I can’t stop crying if I think about my life for even a moment” territory. I’m “okay” if I bury myself in my job or, if at home, submerge myself in some other world…MASH 4077, Leverage headquarters, Frasier’s apartment, etc. But let’s get real….this has been going on for months now, and I don’t feel like it’s getting any better.
This weekend I had an “oh shit” moment, when I realized that I will likely be this depressed when I go to Texas next month to see my brother and his family when they welcome his son to the world. The thought of having to be “up” for a week horrifies me. I will have to be “up” because there are members of my family who will not tolerate me being any other way.
I’ve got about five weeks to feel better. Think I’ll talk to my doctor this week.