Dreams & Nightmares

I’ve been waking up a lot lately.  Actually, thanks to the sleep study I had recently, apparently I’ve always woken up during the night, just enough to disturb my sleep, but not enough for me to be aware of it.  Now I’m aware of it.

For the last several nights, maybe even a week now, I’ve fully woken up about three or four times a night.  I wake up, then look at the clock to see how much longer I have to sleep.  It kinda sucks.  Maybe my sleep apnea is getting worse?  By the time my doctor got around to prescribing a CPAP machine for me, my insurance had changed from an HMO and it’s no copay durable equipment provision to the cheap ass HSA my employer forced everyone onto (after announcing record profits).  Now that machine would cost me over $600.

So I’m hoping Breathe Right strips for $3.99 will help. Insurance fail.

I’ve been having weird dreams, too.  I don’t remember all of them, but I’m having the drinking dreams again.

I’m just so damned bored.  Nothing excites me.  Well, actually, the season finale of Leverage excited me, but it’s on hiatus now.  Besides, I shouldn’t have to count on a weekly television series to excite me, no matter how hot Christian Kane is (or Tim Hutton, or Aldis Hodge…that show has some FINE men).  I don’t know if this is lingering depression, and that the second med my doctor put me on isn’t doing the trick, or if it’s just general satisfaction.

There just seems so little for me to get excited about, and I feel bad for not getting more satisfaction out of my family.  My daughter makes me laugh, and I look forward to seeing her, but that’s not really enough.  Truth be told, I think I’m looking to get high.  I wonder if my Jim Beam-soaked brain just can’t get the synapses poppin’ anymore without chemical assistance.  I can’t tell you how much that sucks. because I know the path drinking will take me on.  And I shouldn’t miss my gallbladder attacks or my fractured disk because those problems afforded me Hydrocodone.

So that leaves food as the only substance left for me to “get high” on, but I’m desperately trying to change that, too.  But that’s a whole other post.


One thought on “Dreams & Nightmares

  1. Paula says:

    Boredom does that to people. But food and drugs aren’t the only solutions. Make a list of things you have never done before and would like to try. Take that list and organize them into the most to least do-able (those costing little of your time and money first). Start ticking off the list. Your blog is a great outlet for keeping your mind off the booze. Remember how you felt afterwards? How it seemed you wasted hours and days and took too many steps backwards instead of forward? Your body and spirit want you to be good to it so you can live life to its fullest. Stay strong for your daughter.

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