I have tons to write about, but, at the moment, I’m overwhelmed with anxiety. When I was a kid, around 14, I met a girl, Kristen, and we became best friends. Spent all our time together. We went to different high schools, but managed to stay close for many years. I remember going to see her after Josh died, but that may have been the last time. I was in such a bad place, it just wasn’t in me to try. Ironic considering Kristen was probably the last friend I had who would actually make the effort to see me. As I think I’ve said before, it’s not that I didn’t have other friends, but at some point I developed the uncanny ability to pick friends who seemed averse to initiating contact, though they were always happy to get together when *I’d* call.
Then I let Kristen slip out of my life. For years now I’ve searched for her. I’d check Facebook every now and again, but never found her..until about three months ago. I had forgotten she was still using her ex’s last name. I sent her a message, but wasn’t optimistic about getting a response. After a few days, I figured my pessimism was warranted, then, lo and behold, a response! It turns out she’s been searching for me, too. Of course, she’d have no way of knowing my married name, and my Facebook profile did not include my maiden name at the time (duh). She was so excited, especially when I told her I was going to Texas to see my brother and his new baby. She asked if we could meet up, and I agreed. Unfortunately, I let my anxiety get the better of me, and I found an excuse not to meet her. She understood, but I secretly hated myself for chickening out.
Today she posted a beautiful picture of Belgium on Facebook. I commented on it, then she responded with word that she had an airline voucher she needed to use by the end of May, and did I have any ideas where she should go? I told her she could come see us…we have a guest room with private bath, just for her. Again, I didn’t think anything would come of it. I expected her to ignore my half-hearted joke. She didn’t. Tonight she suggested a long weekend visit.
I am now freaked out. I told my husband about my anxiety. I’ve become such a porcupine over the years. What if it’s weird? He pointed out that this is someone, once a very close friend, who obviously wants to see me, to reconnect with me. For all the years I’ve complained to my husband about people not really making an effort with me, hubs (annoyingly) thinks I shouldn’t run away from someone when they DO make the effort. Imagine that?!
This is one of my big hurdles. For years now, I’ve become genuinely uncomfortable when someone makes the effort to be nice to me. I hate feeling that way.
Think my therapist would be willing to see me, oh, I don’t know, every single day until early May?