Fat Chicks

Just saw an ad for the movie “Pitch Perfect”.  It features a heavy girl who is shown in one scene running to the front of the stage and ripping her blouse open.  Now, if a skinny girl does that, it’s considered sexy.  You know why they have the fat chick doing it in this movie?  For comedic effect.

Cuz makin’ fun uh fat peoples is funny.

Against my better judgement, I watched “Shallow Hal” years ago. I loathe that movie.  It’s humor is based 100% on laughing at fat people.  See fatty make a tidal wave when she jumps in the pool.  See fatty break a chair.  See fatty toss a circus tent (underwear) on Jack Black.  I know, the end of the movie, Jack Black realizes he loves her anyway, DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE’S FAT.  Because being fat is a character flaw, after all, one that must be overlooked.

BULL SHITE.

I wasn’t fat growing up.  I didn’t put on weight until Josh died in 1995.  My weight has fluctuated quite a bit since then, due in part to my drinking, my ruptured disk, and a nasty sugar addiction I developed.  See, I used to drink my stress away.  When I got sober, I turned to sugar.

So, allow me to vent.

Diet pills and weight loss surgery piss me off.  Not for the morbidly obese, mind you.  If you’re health is so bad the doctor thinks you’ll be dead in six months without bariatric surgery, then, by all means, do it, provided you have a great support system in place.  But for those who think they can take a pill or have a device placed on their stomach to limit their food intake and NOT have to change how they think about food, they are asking for trouble.

People who say “just get off your butt and move” or “just quit stuffing your face” piss me off.  Yes, because it’s that easy.  I’ve seen many people close to me go on these extreme diets, cutting out all carbs or no sugar or whatever, and they have lost tons of weight…and then promptly put the pounds back on when they can no longer sustain the deprivation.  When our bodies put on weight, they go through changes, not just outward changes, like back rolls or cankles, but internal changes.  Your body chemistry changes.  Oh, and you lose your energy. Gone.  Kaput.  And, guess what, when I realized I had a drinking problem, I could quit drinking.  You can’t quit food.  Just ask Karen Carpenter.

Describing especially delicious food as “sinful” or “decadent”, or saying you were “bad” because you ate a piece of chocolate cake…pisses me off.  The negative connotation associated with eating delicious foods has got to go.  It turns our food intake into a morality issue, when it isn’t.  Chocolate tastes damn good.  Nothing sinful or bad about it.  I had never thought of this until I started to read (note, started to…I’m terrible at finishing books) a book written by two dietitians called “Intuitive Eating”.  I won’t go into it too much, but I will say I completely agree with their assessment that when you put foods on your list of “forbidden” or “bad” foods, you make them all the more appealing and, eventually, you’ll break and overindulge.  Case in point.  You really want something sweet.  You’d really like a Snickers bar, but, you’re trying to be “good”, so instead you have chocolate flavored rice cakes.  You eat a serving, but, since you didn’t actually have any real chocolate, and probably very little fat (to satisfy your hunger), you eat another serving.  And maybe another.  Then, an hour later, because you couldn’t stop thinking about that forbidden fruit, and you STILL haven’t had any chocolate, you go ahead and eat the damn Snickers bar.  Awesome.  You just consumed 451 calories, instead of 271.

Lastly, thinking you can shame anyone into losing weight pisses me off.  I’m not saying we swing the pendulum the other way and say, “you’re perfect exactly the way you are!”, aka, “fat acceptance”.  No, considering what the excess pounds does to your hormones, your joints, your heart, etc., I’d say it’s not wise to take that extreme. But society doesn’t help the overweight when they make fun of them, call them names, or otherwise imply that they are gross and unattractive.  Trust me, overweight people know what they look like.  I can’t speak for everyone, but I know *my* self-loathing is at an all-time high right now, and I’m not even at my heaviest.  My husband, a fit, handsome young man eleven years my junior, thinks I’m hot.  He always has.  And he’s not blowing smoke.  He genuinely thinks I’m attractive.  I’m so repulsed by my weight that physical intimacy is practically unthinkable to me, and I try to avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible. It hurts.  But losing weight is HARD.  When I had my nervous breakdown, I put back on half of the weight I’d dropped in the months prior.  Those pounds are sloooowly coming off, but that’s what it takes.  Some days I just wanna break down and cry.  I so wish I could just flip a switch and be healthier, feel better about myself, and be a better wife and mother.

And then I turn on the tv and see a “let’s make fun of the fat chick” scene from a movie, and I want to scream.  Or eat a Snickers bar.

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Our own worst enemies

Yes, I live. And I’ve had a dozen posts drafted in my head, and have yet to put “pen to paper” on any of them, until now. I’m writing now because of our own absurdity. I’m at home with my daughter and husband. We’re cleaning up different rooms of the house. I’m wandering around, putting things away, and a thought occurs to me, something that immediately casts a shadow over my day, and eats away at me. What is this thought? I have no freakin’ clue. I had it, it made me feel bad, then it left my brain. The feeling is still there, however, compounded by that “why can’t I remember” feeling. Then the little voice in my head, the reasonable, well-balanced, easy-going self I aspire to be more often voice says to me, “how are you going to justify letting a dark cloud of thought hang over your head when whatever it is that brought that cloud over you isn’t important enough for you to remember 5 minutes later”?

Seriously, I consciously have nothing to feel bad about. My husband and daughter are healthy and happy, my brother is doing well, everyone else I love seems to be fine, the bills are getting paid, we’re making progress on the house, I am doing very well at work and I appear to have finally licked my sugar addiction after a 5 day sugar purge. Oh, and August 28th was my seven year “birthday”, i.e., sobriety anniversary.

Of course, life isn’t perfect.  For whom is it?  But, all in all, things are okay.  So why is it we, and I say we because I couldn’t POSSIBLY be the only person who does this, seem to LOOK for things to feel bad about?  It’s like there’s a bird that flies around, pooping on our heads, and when it doesn’t, we go looking for it?

That reminds me of something my friend Christine said to me years ago.  Something along the lines of, “a negative/bad thought is like a bird flying over us…we may not be able to stop the bird from flying overhead, but we sure can keep it from building a nest on our head”.

Go away, birdie…I don’t need another pet.