The Exemption List

Anyone married or in a serious relationship knows what The Exemption List is.  It’s the list of people that your spouse/partner would allow you to sleep with without consequences.  My husband used to tease me that Christian Kane was on my list, but, honestly, I was more drawn to the character he played on Leverage than I was to the actor himself.

But Tom Hiddleston is SOOOOO on my list. What is strange is that my husband actually wanted to add to the list.

Husband: You’ve got my heart, always.

Me: Even if I sleep with Tom Hiddleston?

Husband:  Yes.  But ONLY him.

Me: You mean, he’s on my Exemption List?!

Husband: Yes. <pause> And Patrick Stewart.

Me: Yea…wait, what?

Husband:  You can sleep with Patrick Stewart, too.

Me:  But, I don’t WANT to sleep with Patrick Stewart.

Husband:  What?!  But he’s so cool!

Me: Well, yes, I agree, but I’m not attracted to him.  Tom Hiddleston I’d mount like a deer head to my wall, but not Patrick Stewart.

Husband:  But, but, he’s CAPTAIN PICARD!

Me:  Yeah, well, Captain Picard was hot, but, he’s a character that he played 20 years ago.

Husband: How can you not want Patrick Stewart?!

Me:  Look, quit trying to make me sleep with Patrick Stewart.

And then we found this in an antique shop and my twisted brain kicked in. It’s fate.

20140917_101750

Not the greatest day

Except for the fact that I have the kickiest of kick-ass husbands, who loves me and tries to make me laugh and usually succeeds in spite of my [unhealthy] desire to hide behind a computer screen. He comes in and pretends to “climb” the screen, or he takes an elevator to the top of it, or pretends he’s an old-fashioned typewriter head moving back and forth over the top of the screen. SUCH. A. DORK.

But I love him. And thankfully, he loves me.

Tales of a Plain Fool – Heh good lookin’

One of my favorite Helenisms – “I wish I was born rich instead of so darn good lookin‘”

No, my grandmother was not vain.  She was just “folksy”. And now I find myself saying that from time to time, just to give my heart a smile.  I even let my Okie/Texas accent slip out when I say it, just to add a little “oompf”.

Kevin & Bean – Life’s Teachers

Oh, heaven help us if that’s true.

For those not familiar, Los Angeles has a radio station, KROQ, that has a popular morning show starring Kevin and Bean. Yesterday they had people calling in to tell their stories about being trapped in an elevator. Usually I’ll change stations when people call in because it’s like listening to a three year-old talk, with lots of “ums”, and unnecessary details. I stayed with the show yesterday, however, and was entertained by Kevin & Bean ridiculing the callers for dragging out their stories.

So I wrote them a thank you note.

Thank you for making the elevator call-in segment funny.

I usually have to turn off the radio when listeners call in with a story. It’s just soooo painful.

What you are looking for:

“I was stuck on an elevator for an hour and a half with my EX-boyfriend, and I’d had bean burritos for lunch. It took all my energy to keep my ass from exploding”.

What you get:

“So, I was staying at a hotel in downtown LA with my girlfriends, cuz my best friend was getting married that weekend, and, um, I knew there’d be, like, great food at the party, like shrimp and lobster and stuff, but, um, I really LOVE bean burritos, so I scarfed down, like, two before the party. So, we’re at the party and decided we want to people watch and think it’d be funny just to be, like, these drunk girls riding up and down in the elevator, and so we get on, and my friend’s are like, ‘we need to go to the top’ but my other friends were like, ‘no, we need to ride down to the basement’ and, while they were arguing, um, the elevator doors open and, um, my EX-BOYFRIEND walks in. It was SO AWKWARD, cuz I hadn’t seen him since we took that trip to Yosemite three years ago to spread his grandfather’s ashes. So, we were, all, like, being polite and everything, but my friends were trying not to laugh at me, but we had had, like, 20 mojitos or something cuz that’s, um, my favorite drink, then, suddenly, my stomach was REALLY upset and I felt like I had to, you, know, fart. It was SOOO embarrassing.”

So, thank you, for keeping things moving, and thanks to Erica, for bringing up Bean’s mom’s porno.

Audra

To my amusement, Bean responded yesterday, telling me my note was hilarious and he’d be reading it on the air. Sure enough, today on my drive to work he read it. What made it the highlight of my morning was the fact that Bean was laughing as he read it.Yes, he had told me he thought it was funny, but something about hearing these people, these professionals, very funny people all, laughing at my email (in a good way, not a “stuff of my nightmares” kinda way), well, that was just cool. I have to admit, I really enjoyed the fact that my writing/humor was not only appreciated by Kevin & Bean, but that they thought enough to share it with Los Angeles.

I write of this, not because I’m gonna have my email and Bean’s reply framed or anything, but because I was surprised at how much I enjoyed the positive feedback I’d received from something I’d written. This blog represents the bulk of my writing efforts over the last 10 years. At first, it was just something for me to focus on to keep my head above water, but I’m finding myself really enjoying it.

So, yeah, it made me smile this morning in that “trying-to-appreciate-the-little-things” kinda way I’ve been attempting of late.  And it encourages me to keep writing.

So there’s that.

Curse of the love song

As far as I’m concerned, when someone writes a song for their lover/spouse, the relationship is doomed.  It’s the songwriting equivalent of jumping the shark.  I include songs written for or by people who died prematurely. 

Obviously, I can’t give a comprehensive list, but, to start….

Songwriter Song Written for Status
Billy Joel Just the Way You Are Elizabeth Weber Divorced
Buddy Holly True Love Ways Maria Elena Holly His death at age 23
Eric Clapton Layla, Wonderful Tonight Pattie Boyd Divorced
George Harrison Something Pattie Boyd (according to her) Divorced
Graham Nash Our House Joni Mitchell Broken up
John Denver Annie’s Song Annie Denver Divorced
Jonathan Cain Faithfully Tane Cain Divorced
Paul McCartney multiple Linda McCartney Her death at age 57
Ritchie Valens Donna Donna Ludwig His death at age 17
Shania Twain Still the One Mutt Lange Divorced
Sonny Bono I Got You Babe Cher Divorced
Steve Perry Oh Sherrie Sherrie Swafford Broken up
Steven Stills Suite Judy Blue Eyes Judy Collins Technically, it was written about their imminent breakup, so the curse doesn’t necessarily apply
Dennis DeYoung Lady, Babe Suzanne DeYoung Still married!

 And for the record, Shania Twain’s song ticks me off.  It starts with “looks like we made it….”.  Um, unless you’re singing that on your deathbed, I’d say that’s a little premature and presumptuous.  And, guess what happened?  He boinked her best friend and they split up.  She’s now remarried to her ex-best friend’s ex-husband.  Whatever you do, Shania, don’t write a song for him!

I’m just sayin’.