Not the greatest day

Except for the fact that I have the kickiest of kick-ass husbands, who loves me and tries to make me laugh and usually succeeds in spite of my [unhealthy] desire to hide behind a computer screen. He comes in and pretends to “climb” the screen, or he takes an elevator to the top of it, or pretends he’s an old-fashioned typewriter head moving back and forth over the top of the screen. SUCH. A. DORK.

But I love him. And thankfully, he loves me.

What the hell is wrong with us?

In reference to his acceptance into the Friar’s Club…

I sent the club a wire stating, 

PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Groucho Marx

Now that I’m finally emerging from the 20 foot hole, I’m able to think more clearly and have a WTF moment.  So many of my issues trace back to the very simple and basic need we all have….to be accepted and loved.  I’ve carried around with me for decades the haunted refrain of every angry word ever spoken to me, every rejection, and every man I wanted who never wanted me.

Only now I’m married to a man that absolutely adores me…he thinks I’m beautiful and sexy and smart and has confidence in my abilities to overcome my depression or any other obstacle life throws at me….so why isn’t that good enough?  I tell my husband it’s because of Groucho Marx.  I value my husband’s acceptance less because *I* don’t accept me.  I think I’m crap, so obviously my husband is deeply flawed for loving me so much. But if I allow myself to believe that I am of value to some, I have to widen that circle beyond my husband.  I can include my mom, my dad, my brother, my friends Janis and Diane, my child, and on and on.

What I REALLY need to do is include myself in that circle, or no one else’s acceptance or love will ever suffice.  It’s honestly never occurred to me that I have to love myself first.

I know, that’s just stupid.  But we all know it’s possible to know something in our head that doesn’t translate to the heart.